Today was an interesting day...for some reason it was a day to remember my Mom. I seemed to see her in so many things in my life today and the result was a point where I was melancholy and it was hard to go on. Who knows maybe I need more days like this...i sometimes feel like I do not grieve. I do not cry. I do not remember. I just...exist. When it comes to my Mom I exist. Is this natural? Normal? Abnormal? Wrong? Right? I don't know. I have never done this before. I did not read a manual. And let me tell you for someone who strives to do everything perfect and must have order this is horrible!!! I feel like i should make a list and when i have done everything on it and mark it off i will be done with this grieving this. Is that not sick? Am i not sick to think this? I think so and I hate it. I hate not knowing how to process my mothers loss. I hate not knowing if i should scream. Cry. Hate. Go into a depression. Yell. I hate not know what to do. I want to grieve and I do not know how!!! Maybe i really don't want to? Maybe I am afraid of the openness I will have to have. The vulnerability. I remember when she left us I walked out of the room and into the bathroom down the hall. I remember standing in the dark and then bending over and screaming into my hands. A scream no one could hear. I remember standing there and feeling so many things and just as fast as they came I pushed them down. I knew there was family waiting and I knew i was needed. I remember taking a deep breath and walking out of the bathroom and back into her room. I remember. I have not gone back to that moment, those feelings, that pain. Instead I went through the motions to bury her and assist my family. Time is going by and I am moving with it...I am not grieving...I am existing when it comes to her. Time will tell how this pans out....they say time heals...i am hoping that is the case...