Today was an interesting day...for some reason it was a day to remember my Mom. I seemed to see her in so many things in my life today and the result was a point where I was melancholy and it was hard to go on. Who knows maybe I need more days like this...i sometimes feel like I do not grieve. I do not cry. I do not remember. I just...exist. When it comes to my Mom I exist. Is this natural? Normal? Abnormal? Wrong? Right? I don't know. I have never done this before. I did not read a manual. And let me tell you for someone who strives to do everything perfect and must have order this is horrible!!! I feel like i should make a list and when i have done everything on it and mark it off i will be done with this grieving this. Is that not sick? Am i not sick to think this? I think so and I hate it. I hate not knowing how to process my mothers loss. I hate not knowing if i should scream. Cry. Hate. Go into a depression. Yell. I hate not know what to do. I want to grieve and I do not know how!!! Maybe i really don't want to? Maybe I am afraid of the openness I will have to have. The vulnerability. I remember when she left us I walked out of the room and into the bathroom down the hall. I remember standing in the dark and then bending over and screaming into my hands. A scream no one could hear. I remember standing there and feeling so many things and just as fast as they came I pushed them down. I knew there was family waiting and I knew i was needed. I remember taking a deep breath and walking out of the bathroom and back into her room. I remember. I have not gone back to that moment, those feelings, that pain. Instead I went through the motions to bury her and assist my family. Time is going by and I am moving with it...I am not grieving...I am existing when it comes to her. Time will tell how this pans out....they say time heals...i am hoping that is the case...

wow...where does the time go??? I am sooo horrible for neglecting my blog...i could give so many reasons why and they are all legitimate. I miss blogging and I have been thinking about it but I am not ready...I feel guilty...and I am not sure why??? This is something I need to look at and "marinate". Just know I am here but in thought only....